Walking It Out

While growing up, I always had plenty to say.  Few and far between were the times when I didn't know what to say, or when I over thought what I said.  I had no problem speaking my mind, as ridiculous or wrong I may have been.  In fact, my mouth is usually where my problems started and ended for me.  As a grade school-er I recall getting in big trouble (aka Opa had to pick me up from school) because I cussed out the gym teacher for never picking me as a coach and only picking boys.  I always got notes sent home about excessive talking and got busted plenty of times staying up all night on the phone. Something happened to me.  It wasn't instant, in fact it crept up on me.  After I was saved in my early twenties I still spoke freely, without too much worry.  However, as I dug in an learned more and more about God, scripture, and grew in my faith, I somehow also grew in being self-conscious about every little thing that came out of my mouth.  ...

As I sit in my prolonged idle time, I'm doing a lot of self-evaluation and reflection.  I am starting to realize that I've spent most of my life angry at the people in my life and not enjoying myself at all really.  Anger would masquerade as frustration, disappointment, annoyance, and most of these boiled down to hurt but what I really felt was anger.  I honestly didn't realize how angry I was as a person.  Looking back I could see I was bubbling over with anger and it did bubble over into every aspect of my life.  No matter the situation, I was unhappy. Sure there were moments of happiness but they were few and far between and had to have some special equations and factors for these situations to be allowed to thrive.  Other people might not notice this about me because remember the saying that most comedians are in the most amount of pain; well this is another case.  I would gain momentary relief and joy from making others happy and laugh when I k...

For about a month or so I was really missing the bible studies I was in.  Studying by myself isn't enough for me personally.  I process better and just get more out of group interaction.  In Virginia I had women's group, Wednesday night classes, small groups with friends, meetings with different spiritual mamas, you name it.  I was spiritually spoiled, I knew it, and I was loving it! So, moving away...really away, was really hard for me.  I wanted an in depth bible study.  A few weeks after I was praying about finding a good bible study my previous neighbor from Virginia told me about BSF and found one locally here in Vegas for me. Some of you might be saying the same thing I did, "what in the world is BSF?".  It stands for Bible Study Fellowship.  I didn't look into it too much but reached out and signed up for the first week (last week).  Like most first time church visits, I was a bit nervous.  I wasn't sure what to wear, I wa...

I'm not sure about you but for me there are definite seasons where I struggle internally more than other times.  I'm overcome by negative thoughts about myself, which in turn starts making me super annoyed and having a negative focus on those around me. It shouldn't be a shock.  More than ever we have a huge stream of negative information, images and opinions being force fed to us wherever we turn.  Honestly, I try to shield myself to it but there it is bombarding me.  News, social media, and then even if we are able to escape the infection from those negative outlets we communicate and come into contact with the majority of people who don't.  They are steeping in it and many not realizing it. Beyond all of that there seems to be times, and periods of time, when I feel like I can't fight off my negativity.  Sometimes I am loyally in the word and praying.  Other times I slip and just live without my focus being on God.  I can't quite pinpoint ...

Intimacy is an interesting subject but it can be so important in growing our maturity through balancing boundaries with people. Whether we recognize it or not, we all have certain levels of boundaries that we maintain with people.  One level for complete stranger, another for someone we find creepy on the subway, another for semi-friends, and so on.  We don't all have the same levels of boundaries at the respective levels, that's more of a personal thing. I started thinking more on this subject when I was thinking of ways to talk to my kids about ideal verses not ideal friends.  It's such a sensitive topic and understandably so.  This topic seemed more important to me now that we moved to Las Vegas and gangs are such a huge problem no matter how nice the area you live in.  And they are recruiting younger and younger... So, I start to bring up the subject with my kids.  The same little people I have taught to be nice no matter what, to extend themselv...

I saw a meme the other day that a friend of mine posted and I found it partially true but mostly it inspired a lot of thought in me.  The meme stated that (paraphrasing) "this world would be a better place if Christians would stop worshiping Jesus and be Jesus". I agree that we as flawed, sin natured humans mess up.  Christianity has a long history of getting it wrong and in huge ways.  Unfortunately the enemy uses this record against us, God does not.  Jesus speaks a lot against religious people and personally I believe that many of the historical scars are left by those with the same Pharisee type behavior and mentality. I do think this world would be a better place if we act like true ambassadors of Jesus.  If we strive each and every day to be the Jesus in this world.  Through his spirit and doing, not our own.  Leaning on him for direction and timing.  I remember reading a book written my Mother Theresa in my mid 20's and one thing reall...

For the first twenty something years I was not a Christian.  I found it difficult to understand why people would believe in a God.  I didn't think it made scientific sense.  One could not prove that this Jesus guy wasn't just a fictitious character meant to be used as control through government.  Don't get me wrong, here and there I tried to believe.  I would randomly visit a church and watch the room almost outside of my body.  I just didn't get it.  What was I missing? During this same period of time I had a lot of darkness surrounding me.  Dark thoughts, dark actions, dark beliefs.  There were interlacing of good through there but overall I would say I was enveloped in a storm cloud.  Yet, I didn't know it.  Nor did I know how to get out. Now almost 13 years from being transformed through God, I look around at all the people still buying into the lies of the enemy.  He is so crafty in the ways he twists things.  Th...

Yesterday I was invited to a bible study.  Interestingly enough, the person who invited me doesn't live in Las Vegas but she is a part of an international bible study organization.  She looked up the time and place here in Las Vegas for me and encouraged me to check it out.  She had no clue that I was really craving a bible study here and was trying to figure out how to start one without knowing anyone. I was excited and nervous.  This was a large scale bible study and I wasn't sure how traditional it would be, what the women were like, if how I dressed would be a big deal or not.  All of those things we all consider before essentially going on a blind church date.  The organization is called BSF (bible study fellowship) and the more I learned about it yesterday I wished I had attended one sooner.  People who attend these study the same book of the bible for a school year all around the world.  The study is non denominational and was created to...

We put so much pressure on ourselves these days. We put this expectation of perfection on ourselves and those around us.  We don't feel valuable, or even worthy, unless we are busy, busy, busy.  Running in our hampsterwheel trying to prove we are good enough. Who are we trying to impress? Am I trying to play God, am I acting as if I have more ability than him? Currently I am awaiting my license to be issued from the Board of Counseling in Nevada.  I have already been through all the hoops and now just awaiting the final step, interviewing with the board.  I have been waiting 2 months for this interview and have gone in and out of frustration, anxiety, worry...etc. I am trying to hard to just let go and know that he has me.  Doors will open when they are suppose to open.  But when are we suppose to open doors ourselves?  I have already contacted the board several times.  At this point it looks like I will be taking up a temporary internet b...

When it comes to beauty, kids, friends, work, or anything really, what we focus on will grow.  This theme and concept seems to keep resurfacing into my thoughts lately.  Up until recently I honestly didn't realize how negative I was, even if I didn't show it to everyone.  Sometimes people would get glimpses here and there but I was careful to not be negative because I knew that wasn't a "good" thing to be. The problem was that I was just containing my negativity or hiding it.  I wasn't doing anything to address the cause of this negativity.  I thought I was...but honestly nothing works on changing us quick like the holy spirit. For a very long time I wanted to change so very bad. I hated just about everything about me.  But I needed to appreciate and find love for myself before God would allow me to start working on the changes I needed.  Otherwise those changes would be due to the wrong motivations. Now I'm to the point where I need to be inten...

There are certain days that I seem to be able to roll with the punches and still be able to keep my chin up with a smile.  Then there are other days when I feel like throwing in the towel before the fight even starts. As I wake up this morning I'm feeling defeated.  I feel insignificant and unsure of myself.  I'm out of work right now and knowing that my family needs me to work and help provide makes me feel like I'm letting them down.  Unfortunately it's not as simple as just getting a job.  But my temporary unemployment isn't the focus for this post. Even when life appears to run smoothly and I am employed I will have certain days when I feel like I'm not enough.  What's that about?  I've done a LOT of exploring and healing into my past, my thinking, my core beliefs, God's truth but still those horrible feelings and thoughts resurface.  Why? The only thing I can come up with is I'm letting myself have "down time".  That is time...

More and more as I grow older, watching the local news is much more scary than a horror flick. Crime and violence know no bounds. There are horrific stories each minute that fill the broadcast. My facebook feed isn’t much different depending on the day. Some days it will be filled with positive posts: birthdays, anniversaries, celebrations, scripture, and love. Unfortunately, my facebook feed over the years have become more and more negative. Heated posts that spur on racial divide, political divide, religious divide, reports of crime, suspected satanists in music and film...the list goes on. There are times when these topics do gear me up and make me want to fight for what’s right, fight for social justice. There are other times when I just want to crawl back into bed and curl up under my blankets and hide away from this scary world. This morning as I am spending time with God and listening to sermons I am remembering Mark 16:15, telling us to spread the GOOD news of the g...

Today's writing assignment was to simple display change in a short story.  Hope you enjoy. (PS please take my poll found on the right column). Perspective Another day in the jet shop.  Boring, repetitive routine but in a way I find comfort in it. As I click away at the keys of the keyboard and exchange sitcom based banter with co-workers I think to myself life isn’t too bad.  Don’t get me wrong, life has been better and I would change things up a bit if I could but I’m making due to what life offers. As I stand up and smooth my uniform down, I start to notice there is a burst of voices and accumulation of people to the left of me.  I ask my coworkers if they know what is going on.  One of my friends from basic training and technical school begins to approach me with worry and sadness written all over his face. “I’m assuming you didn’t already hear” Aaron began. “No, what are you talking about?” I ask. “A plane crashed into the World Trade Center” he...

September 11th is a day for reflection here in the United States.  We all come together to remember the events that unfolded on this day in 2001.  We all have our unique stories of where we were, what we were doing, how we responded, and how it impacted us.   As I sip my coffee and scroll through my newsfeed I'm seeing a theme this year.  Many of my friends are remarking on how we all stood together hand in hand, regardless of our race, social class, and  religion (well, that day anyways).  Individuals are noting that in the midst of tragedy we banded together as a nation in a way that made us proud to be American. These remarks and memories touch a deeply embedded soft place in my heart.  We have watched violence, division and racial heat all increase at an alarming rate this year.  There are many directions to place blame, but where will that get us?  Where will this nation continue to head if we continue on this destructive path of di...

This is the second assignment that was due for the free writing class I'm taking through coursera. Keep in mind that I have a short attention span and I refuse to reread my work and edit ;) I know, I'm a bit of a brat! Birthday Wish He drew a big breath and exhaled with as much force as he could muster. Blowing out all ten of the candles his mother placed carefully around the edge of the homemade oreo cheesecake she made. As he looked around the room he was feeling happy and sad at the same time. Moving across the country just a few months before his tenth birthday wasn’t what he wanted. He missed his friends but was fortunate to have such a loving family, even if they do live in the desert. Suddenly the room started to shake and the lights started to flicker. TJ and his family quickly ran outside to look around for what was causing all of the commotion. As they looked to the north they could see blue and green lights coming from behind the mountain range. TJ, h...

What does grace have to do with beauty? I haven't posted about beauty in quite a few months and believe it or not, it's not because I'm avoiding the topic.  A woman I love and respect told me to follow God's lead and only post when he leads me to write about it.  God's time isn't our time and 365 days doesn't necessarily mean consecutive. When I was 18 years old I was friends with this really inspiring and down right cool freelance writer. He told me that there are times just for living, times just for writing and times for balance.  These past few months were spent living.  God taught me many lessons and spoke to me a lot during this time. Although, at some points I didn't recognize it.  That's when speaking with my sisters in Christ helped me recognize those moments. These past few days I knew I would be soon writing about beauty again.  This morning I finally got the nudge.  Grace. God has been teaching me soooooo much about grace these p...

I'm not sure if I was born with a negative temperament or if it was born out of circumstance but either way I have struggled with negativity the better part of my life.  In that many of my memories, events, and happy moments were tainted by my choice in thinking.  Even after acquiring the knowledge and skills to combat negativity, I still find it a growing process.  It's really hard, really hard. Ten years ago today I gave birth to my baby boy.  I love all my kids but me and my boy have a special connection (well, I have a special connection to each one; each connection is just different).   He was miserable if he wasn't with me since the jump.  He had horrible separation anxiety and nothing seemed to help, expect literally being close to me day and night.  As he grew older the anxiety faded but I watched as it transformed and seeped into different aspects of his thinking. I was so frustrating for our family to watch and witness how he looked at t...

Yesterday I decided to enroll in a free writing class. I have decided to post my class assignments here as well. This week was a simple assignment. We were to write a 500 word or less story about something in our childhood. Hope you enjoy. Chaise Lounge I daze in and out of sleep under a carport lined with grapevines. A soft cool breeze encircling me, encouraging melatonin production. My Opa’s radio playing quietly from the back of the garage all the favorites from the 50’s and 60’s. My mind drifts to daydreams surrounding the lawn figurines behind me in a bed of clam shells. They come to life, each with their own unique personalities. I imagine the stories each one of them have to tell. All coming from unique walks of life and offering me limitless adventures. I decide to get up and assess how I can climb the poles and swing over to one of them. The hobo man is intriguing to me and is sure to offer me a wonderful adventure. Just as an adventure was about to start I hear ...

When I was growing up holiday weekends typically meant barbecues with extended family, great food, and lot of laughs.  I loved getting to see my aunts and uncles, grandparents and cousins.  I loved all the individual conversations and attention.  Some years were better than others due to me suffering from depression but even those years I cherished every moment. Then there was the food!  I really enjoyed all the food everyone made.  My aunt NeeNee's cakes, aunt Dodie's German potato salad.  My Oma's deviled eggs.  My dad's smoked turkey.  Oh and being from Syracuse, New York...the salt potatoes and corn on the cob.  In my family everyone is an amazing cook.  It's hard to leave the holiday weekend at the same weight as when you entered. When I left New York to join the military in 1999 I didn't get to go to many holiday cookouts anymore.  Holidays became lonely and depressing.  It was like a long reminder that I didn't have...

I've attempted to write a post three times this morning.  Most days I have no problem putting an idea down and being done with it. Don't get me wrong, I get neurotic about it and wonder if I should have posted it and if it was post-worthy.  Today I have just been scrambling, trying to figure out how to explain some of the lessons God has taught me these past few days. Ah, and there it is.  It's all about the edit. We all will screw up again and again.  It's what we do with that screw up.  Do we just leave it alone or do we take out a pen and add a semi colon?  Do we white it out and pretend it didn't happen or do we put a neat line through it and correct it? I had a situation a few days ago that filled me with such fear.  It typically takes a lot to get me filled with fear but like anyone I have a few sensitive spots.  My fear was surrounding my daughter and my initial response was not good.  Strike that, it was bad.  I felt horri...

I don't know about you, but I lose so much motivation, energy and positive thinking when I become stagnate.  I feel like nothing is going my way.  I feel alone, confused and like God has abandoned or forgotten about me.  As I've grown older I know it's not true, yet it still feels like it. As I sit here moments after taking my kids to school.  Trying my best to not worry about money, finding a job,  and getting the phone call about my Nevada license (still waiting the final interview to be licensed as a counselor here).  God keeps on gently reminding me that I can create momentum.  This is different than forcing my will, grabbing job opportunities that don't suit me, or alternatively giving up and getting depressed. How can I make momentum?  One, I can write about my struggles and how I'm dealing with them.  This can hopefully encourage or at least help someone else not feel so alone.  I can take this time and dig into learning more...

These past six months it has become clearer and clearer how important working towards unity and clarity are.  Personally and globally this couldn't be of more importance.  These last six months have been a huge challenge for me, my family and our nation.  Personally, our move across the country has been like being thrown into a pressure cooker.  We have faced, and are still facing many challenges. These challenges, like anything, God used for our good.  Things got more stressful between us all, yet, these challenges are bringing us closer.  Making it more obvious how imperative it is for us to all be a team.  When we are all working together so much more can be done and God can work so much more effectively without us being in the way with our pride and allowing the devil footholds in our minds and emotions.  We are so distracted with our emotional pain that comes with relational strain that we aren't as effective for the kingdom or our own li...

You are the solution! We moved to Las Vegas in June of 2015 due to my husband receiving military orders to Nellis AFB.   To say the very least, I wasn’t happy about it at all.   I didn’t think it would be a good place to raise a family.   I was assuming it would be very materialistic, shallow, and centered on a self-serving mentality.   I tried very hard to be positive and God was trying to encourage me, sending many messengers to me with words of encouragement and affirmation that God had plans for me in Vegas. So, two months after receiving those orders we arrived in Las Vegas, Nevada.   Honestly, the worst move I ever have experienced.   If it could go wrong, it did.   It was almost funny at times.   We made it through and all grew in the process but there was a lot of fear fighting.   And there was an abundance of old and new fear combining as one. When a military member joins a new unit, they are typically briefed about ...