Walking It Out

Yesterday was a huge blessing for me.  I got to hang out with friends and eat great food.  Then I got to make it to church in time for an amazing church service.  The three days prior (to include Saturday during the day) my church hosted a conference called Naturally Supernatural.  Boy did we get the benefit of that overflow last night.  Service is always great there but this was special.  There was so much healing in that room.  At certain points I felt like I was gasping for air because his presence was so thick.  I was praying to get an encouraging word for two specific people and instead those two people came to me with encouragement that God had for me.  Songs were lining up with what I was praying and thinking about and even the way I envisioned God holding his hands on my heart, one of our pastors a few moments later prayed that we put our hands on our heart and let him touch our hearts.  I'm still on fire from last night. One o...

Today was my last day of work before we move in two weeks across the country.  I feel so blessed to be able to be included in so many lives and so many hearts.  It's such an honor to have people trust in me and allow me to try to help them.  I learn so much from them and I cherish each one.  It's hard to believe that in two weeks we will be traveling 2500 miles, and across 8 states.  After being here in Virginia for 11 years and 16 days (that's right, I counted) and being that I'm 35 that's most of my adult life.  My roots are here, my network, my friends, my friends that are family, my church, and most important my hair stylist!  This past 6 months has been the most comfortable I've been in a while.  I can see where God is moving and I was able to sit in a place of rest, well as much as I rest anyways. For now our time here is drawing to an end, but new adventures await.  Open armed and open hearted looking forward to what God has in store...

I have come to the realization that God has continually impressed on me the importance of community...and he is still doing so.  From a clinical standpoint I understood it but also this past year I have really started to understand the importance of Christian community and support and the implications of drawing away from community. At my lowest parts of my life I isolated myself.  I felt unwanted, unloved, tainted, unusable, disfigured, unlikable...you name it.  I didn't think anyone would benefit from me continuing to live.  I was suicidal from aprox. 10 years old through 27.  It might have been younger, I sure did have a screw life attitude, but my memory of suicidal ideation goes back to 10.  The more I withdrew the worse it got.  I wasn't able to see that though.  My habits worsened; food (too much or too little), drugs, sex and sleep were my ways to numb out what I viewed as the horrible truth.  The darkness grew more and more evil wi...

Being yourself When we are younger we don't need people, adults, to tell us to just be ourselves or just act naturally. That's not something we learn, that's something already within us, built into our coding.  It isn't until we are school age, if we are lucky enough to have a healthy family, that we learn that we might not be good enough in some people's eyes.  Or our parents might try to steer our fashion, our friend selection, etc in an effort to try and prevent being picked on.  Fitting in turns somehow into a mission. Well, I've been a rebel most of my life and when I was picked on, pressured and persuaded I fought back with even stronger individualism.  Not saying that was healthy either, it wasn't.  I embraced being ugly.  Thought the system, and social beliefs about beauty were jacked up.  I was right but I wasn't in a healthy place...and I was miserable. After I became a Christian I swung all the way to the other side.  I felt the n...

These past few days, as you have read, I've been having some struggles.  Well on top of interpersonal and emotional battles, I've had a battle with my hair.  That might seem shallow, insignificant or vain but I personally battle with feeling less than everyone else already physically and when something makes that condition worse, I have a tendency to fall apart. So, about a month and a half ago I got blond highlights.  I already had a few chunky pieces and this time I got a lot.  I basically got a bunch of highlights in lieu of going fully blond.  Since getting it done I started noticing that some of my top layers were more straight than the rest.  Typically my hair isn't naturally straight and needs a lot of help to become straight.  A few days ago I noticed that my hair smelled and, OH NO my ends were all fried (at least all the blond ones).  I was so upset!  I tried to hide them, they were resistant to curling in, laying down...you name ...

2 Corinthians 3:12-18 With that kind of hope to excite us, nothing holds us back. Unlike Moses, we have nothing to hide. Everything is out in the open with us. He wore a veil so the children of Israel wouldn’t notice that the glory was fading away—and they didn’t notice. They didn’t notice it then and they don’t notice it now, don’t notice that there’s nothing left behind that veil. Even today when the proclamations of that old, bankrupt government are read out, they can’t see through it. Only Christ can get rid of the veil so they can see for themselves that there’s nothing there. Whenever, though, they turn to face God as Moses did, God removes the veil and there they are—face-to-face! They suddenly recognize that God is a living, personal presence, not a piece of chiseled stone. And when God is personally present, a living Spirit, that old, constricting legislation is recognized as obsolete. We’re free of it! All of us! Nothing between us and God, our faces shining with the brigh...

I knew when I decided to embark on this journey (365 days of beauty) God called me to that it was going to be super difficult at times.  I didn't realize the ways in which it would be difficult.  I was called to come to him every day and listen to what he says about beauty.  Sounds great, no pressure because it sounds like I just listen and type.  Nope.  Sometimes it's like that and other times he shows me things throughout the day and then there are other days (like today) when I'm just sitting in an ugly place.  I'm under a lot of stress, which I'm praying about and doing things to manage it. But still this type of rapid move, we were told the last week of March that we are moving to Las Vegas...and at the time his report date was April 30th (but we were able to thankfully move it to June 30th) creates an incredible amount of stress and anxiety.  God has shown favor all along the way so far but still it's so difficult emotionally and mentally. I to...

Beauty of second chances. So many times we are our own worst enemy.  We hold our self back from success, growth and peace out of fear of failure, fear of the unknown, fear of rejection, fill in the blank to account for your own reasons.  Each day we awake with another chance to try something new, heal a broken relationship, put forth a new effort, strive towards inward peace.  But beyond that we are continually allowed more chances.  Many sayings are based on having a new day, we don't need to wait until after we sleep to try again. There are so many ways I fall short each day but something God showed me long ago was be quick to apologize and own up to my mistakes.  There is so much healing available when this happens for both parties.  I don't know about you but I've been in relationships with people who act very hateful and ugly and the matter gets pushed under the rug and they just don't speak of it.  I found that so hurtful in the past and deci...

So as our move comes closer and closer (June 15th is the day we are moving to Las Vegas due to military orders), I'm having more of a difficult time writing daily. I'll continue to try my best though! If you want to be notified of new posts via email there is a widget on this page that allows you to sign up. These past few days I have been processing a lot of stuff.  I think I will just concentrate this on the beauty of how God corrects and doesn't condemn. These past few years I've been learning a lot about the love of God and it's been transforming my perspective and changing my life.  Recently God has been showing me how much of a bully I am....to myself!  I have know for years that I struggle with maladaptive thoughts (unhealthy thinking patterns)  and I am pretty proactive in trying to correct and reframe them.  Yet, I didn't realize how much of this self-bullying was still seeping in.  I'm not just talking about my physical appearance either, I...

Yesterday I went to a day spa and had my very first facial.  Something that may seem so simple to others, yet it was difficult for me.  After all these years I finally followed through with scheduling and going to the appointment.  You see, I'm notorious for wasting gift certificates my husband purchases for me for massages and such by simply not using them.  This time I bartered for the gift certificate and am right by the spa once or twice a week. No excuses this time, I wasn't going to allow myself to waste it. Well, the morning leading up to the appointment I neurotically did and re-did my hair and changed clothes about 3 times.  I really get anxious about going into salons and spas, for fear of cruel judgment.  True to form I was early, I mean annoyingly early...  I didn't really have a choice besides sitting in my car and waiting; I was already out that way and my other appointment ended early.  So I had to sit and wait.  Luckily the ...

The beauty of armor. Recently I attended a women's group and the subject of the night was on forgiveness.  When we landed on  Matthew 18:21-22 it was obviously a sore spot for a few women due to it's misuse by Christians.  Many women who have endured abuse and mistreatment find great offense and confusion with this scripture.  In the type of situation where one's safety is at concern are we called to just continue to endure the abuse and live out of forgiveness?  In my opinion, no.  Forgiveness in those cases are more about our inward heart condition and do not reflect reconciliation with the continued offender. I honestly could write for a few days just on this subject but the main topic at hand is beauty.  In my BC days (not before kids but before Christ..lol), I thought it was beautiful to be an independent bad ass of a woman.  Now as I've been growing in my faith I can see that was all a false illusion and a front, no matter how much one c...

THIN WOMAN GAINS WEIGHT So many articles and vlogs have titles like that. They're followed by a deluge of derision, praise, and censure. They make me uncomfortable, even if I agree with whatever point the author's making. I've always been on the narrower end of the body scale. I come from slight-framed people and I have a host of food issues--severe hypoglycemia, super-tasting, and a finicky stomach--which keep me smaller. It's nothing I've done: it's my genetics. On the flip side, it's only happenstance that I live in a time period where being a lower BMI is a good thing. This makes me culturally lucky. I don't have to try so hard to meet common standards of beauty. But it's wrong to assume only larger women are affected by our Western craze over skinniness. Being thin leaves me in constant fear of   losing  my status and desirability should my body decide to change things up on me. Call it shallow if you will, but I can't help fear...

Beauty in the storm. Have you ever noticed the absolute awe inspiring gaze we tend to have during extreme weather or natural disasters?  Some people risk their lives for a chance to view it, take a picture, or capture a video.  When things that are beyond our control and understanding we can't help but notice the beauty in it.  On top of the beauty of the actual event, there is the room for human kindness, selflessness, relationship, community, sacrifice, and perseverance. I just wonder what our lives would look like if we would sit back and view the storm we're in with the same amount of awe and let God move through those set into our lives to display his love for us.  Our human view sees horror and loss but I wonder what God sees. I challenge you to identify a storm within your life and try to see the beauty that can be displayed through it.  Who is showing kindness?  Are opportunities for relationship and community arising out of it?  What bea...

Beauty of Community Most of us know that alone we can't seem to do anything perfectly. We will all fail in some way. There just doesn't seem to be a way to juggle it all and maintain seamlessly perfect balance.  I've been reflecting on the fact that God gave us community and the body (fellow Christians) to help fill in the gaps, bandage and heal our wounds and form new patterns in our lives left by well intentioned, most of the time, but imperfect parents.  I look around on Mother's Day and see a lot of pain in so many people's eyes. Pain left by abuse, neglect, abandonment, and death.  However, what a beautiful thing God has designed in our community, our friendship and companionship. God is constantly sending us so many messangers of love, it's like it is Valentines day each and every day.  You just need to look around and start to notice it and recieve it.  Sometimes it feels like the wounds are too deep and you might not be sure if you can trust.  I...

Raising Beauty             My daughter is absolutely the most beautiful creature I have ever beheld. When she smiles, when she laughs, she literally takes my breath away. When I look at her, I see love. I see God’s love, and it overwhelms me like a tidal wave of goodness. She has always been a shining light, full of confidence and remarkable boldness.             Over this last school year, that light began to dim. It wasn’t very noticeable at first, but over time reached the point of undeniability…I know growing up is hard. I also know I can’t always shelter her from those difficult things. Even though she would talk with me, tell me about what goes on in her life, the light kept dimming. Even though I’d give her the best advice that I could and would pray with her and over her, still the light kept dimming.           ...