Deeper

I'm going to get a little more personal today, a bit vulnerable because I know God uses our pain, growth and healing in the Kingdom. 

I genuinely believe this is my life verse: Genesis 50:20 You intended to harm me, but God intended it all for good. He brought me to this position so I could save the lives of many people. 

God has walked me through so many things in my life and is continuing to do so. These past few months I've been struggling on and off with physical attacks. Or should I say, it's become more obvious to me that the pain I'm feeling and experiencing is not just a natural issue. It started becoming apparent to me while in worship at church. There would be times I walk into church or the presence of another believer and my pain would vanish. Then there would be times that during the heat of worship, when I was completely immersed in His presence, my body would start completely aching with pain and typically my throat would feel blocked which would make it difficult to sing and pray. 

Initially I thought this was due to some of the people I was helping, I can see that some of my client's are being tormented but either wasn't sure how to address it or they're not Christians so God didn't give me a green light yet to cross that line. I thought I was being attacked for crossing into enemy territory, which is also common, but as the Lord gives me more clarity this isn't the case. 

This week it became clear. During worship it happened again, I was filled with pain and the closed/blocked throat issue. I immediately started praying in the spirit. It subsided. During the service I felt lead to pray for our pastor and continued throughout her sermon. Afterwards I felt like I was suppose to tell her what I saw while I was praying but felt really awkward for some reason. Immediately I started getting bombarded by negative thoughts about myself. 'Who do you think you are sharing a word, you think people actually listen to you?' 'No one wants you around, why do you even come here to a place where no one even likes you, they are so annoyed by you' etc etc.. I basically went home and got in the word and prayed until I went to sleep. Needless to say I didn't sleep much at all and wasn't feeling like going to church that morning. But I was scheduled to serve as an usher. 

This was a Starbucks morning ya'll! I pushed through and God showed up in so many ways, it was amazing. God has a way of showing us exactly what we need at the exact time we need it. So I thought that was over, for now.

Monday, while seeing clients my physical attack reappeared. In a big way, prayer and time in the word wasn't subsiding it. Other's praying for me wasn't working. Then yesterday having coffee with a friend we were discussing deliverance which is something I have been looking into for a while but not really doing much with it. (Side note, it subsided while I was with her only to return as soon as I walked through my garage door). Boom, this morning (while still in horrible pain by the way) God have me clarity that I'm being tormented by a spirit of rejection.

Some might ask or wonder how can that happen to a believer. Well, in my studies I have realized it's sadly more common than most think. Part of the misunderstanding comes from Greek not being translated in the best way. Most versions of the new testament say demon possessed opposed to what the Greek really intended which is demonized. As believers and followers of Christ we cannot be possessed by a demon but we can be tormented or influenced by them which is what demonized means. 

Mark 1:23-26   Just then a man in their synagogue who was possessed by an impure spirit cried out, “What do you want with us, Jesus of Nazareth? Have you come to destroy us? I know who you are—the Holy One of God!” “Be quiet!” said Jesus sternly. “Come out of him!”  The impure spirit shook the man violently and came out of him with a shriek. 

This man was in the synagogue, he was a devoted man of God still tormented by an unclean spirit (another word for demon). 

All of that to say, I'm going to go on a limb and ask for specific prayer about this. I feel like God wants to use this to wake up His people into action. Wherever Jesus went he preached, cast out demons and healed. Always! We can't not do it.