Walking It Out

The past five months I've felt beyond lost.  I've been praying over and over for God to show me his plans.  To give me the ability to see his path for me.  He's been growing my faith and I know it.  I have close friends telling me this is a time to be in rest and patiently await God to move.  It's been quite difficult.  I vacillate between being calm and centered on Jesus, trusting he has me and a complete wreck not knowing what to do or where to go.  I'm starting to see all the pieces fall together slowly.  Okay, maybe I'm just starting to realize what game we are actually a player in.  Sometimes we have to spend time in the desert, usually figuratively, being lost so we can get a clearer understanding of what his long term path is for our life.  This time has been spent working out things within my immediate family.  He's been working on our foundation, which is in need of stabilization.  He has given me messages along the way from other people th

Let me first say, I fully get it.  I understand being afraid.  I understand thinking we need to be involved in government and make our opinion matter.  Fight for what is right.  Stand up for ourselves.  Don't let the bullies win.  Find them and get them so they can't keep getting us, fight for our right for freedom and our way of life. But then there is another part of me, a part that is overtaking my heart more and more each day that knows that's not the answer.  That knows there is something deep down wrong with that logic.  Better yet, questions where that mentality and logic come from. I have to say that studying Revelation has really pushed me even more towards not being afraid.  Knowing that the first mentality is not from God at all.  There are an abundance of scripture that tells us not to fear.  Why?  What does fear do?  It brings out the ugliest of humanity.  It has you working for the enemy, he rejoices in our fear, anger, hatred, revenge and war.  I

I don't know about you but I have lived more than half of my life not fully accepting correction.  I didn't trust the person who was correcting me most of the time and didn't trust their motives.  I really would only change my behavior if I thought it was wrong or didn't line up with what I believed.  I was respectful of most teachers and other authorities but I didn't listen to their correction.  Those closest to me I didn't respect for various reasons, some valid and some not.  Therefore, I didn't respect their teachings over my life.  I wasn't teachable and into my late teens and early twenties I actually thought I was.  I was far from teachable, but I played a good part to make it look like I was. Now, as a parent I'm seeing different degrees of this in my kids.  Both have a difficult time accepting correction but one child really struggles with this.  And because of their struggle, I struggle with trying to help them deal better with co

God's been working on my heart in this area, and I definitely needed it.  I am admittedly apprehensive and cautious when looking at new churches to attend and then join.  Due to my past experiences, the things that hurt my family or healed my family turned into a shopping list while looking for a church.  My list is actually quite short and many would agree that they are a good, Christian standard for a church. But God's been nudging me.  I'm looking for a church that has all of these things so it can suit me. I'm trying to control what's best for me.  I'm trying to create the perfect church experience for my family and I.  What if he has me going to a church so they can benefit from my gifts and talents?  What if his purpose for us being in that church surpasses my understanding and I miss out on great blessings and the ability to bless others?  Would I be more of an impact on the kingdom if I found the ideal church or if I find the broken church and l

I feel pretty safe to say, we're all guilty of it.  Choosing to unfriend someone.  Or maybe we just unfollow them to not shake the boat.  We all have our reasons.  Maybe we realize the person isn't really a friend, instead they are spying on us.  Perhaps we don't like their negative posts.  Maybe they're posting things we find to be racists, against our political/social/spiritual views...you name it and we have the reason. I don't always think it's a bad thing because we do need to watch what we put into ourselves.  We need to surround ourselves and be exposed to good, our friends should reflect what we want to become many say.  However, should we depend on social media like that?  Should most of our socializing be conducted via our devices?  If we move out of our comfort zone and have social media be a place for trying to make the world a better place through spreading positivity, love and grace what would that look like?  What if we spent less time on

One of the areas I think I lack in spiritually is prayer.  I go through times when I pray a lot and then times when I don't really pray at all.  I worship, I study and I look for God throughout the day and I guess I've felt like that was enough.  He knows our hearts, our thoughts, our desires and is control of all world events (Jeremiah 17:10 & Daniel 2:21) so what would my prayers do anyways?   I've been feeling him prod me to look into this more and deepen my understanding of the need and importance of prayer.  When I first started looking into it I really only could think of a few verses that referenced how we pray and the importance.  However, the more I look the more I see how important it is.  From what I'm seeing and understanding it has very little to do with us persuading our father or informing him.  It has to do with out relationship with him.  It is our way of communication with God.  It is another way to spend time with him and release what is

I find it so funny looking back at the various points in time when I thought I had it all figured out.  I thought I understood how the world worked and how everyone else acted.  Like most girls, that started at a young age.  I thought I saw the world so clearly but I was living with blinders on.  I only knew my limited perspective.  Then again in my 20's I thought I saw enough of the world and the various types of people to understand the patterns and motives.  It didn't help that I'm intuitive and received two degrees in psychology.   In my late twenties, early thirties my whole understanding and belief system started to crack.  The more I kept seeking out God and learning more the more my old foundation cracked.  For a good long time I wasn't willing to fully trust and live for God, I keep trying to gather all the broken pieces I had from before and stand on those.  It didn't really work.   I got to the point where I felt so incredibly lost, hopeles

A few days ago I read post on Face Book that I absolutely loved and couldn't agree with more:  "Pretty isn't the rent you pay to exist in the world as a woman". So many of us battle with the pressure associated with our looks.  whether it's to be thinner, more toned, more muscular, darker, lighter, prettier, more fashionable, etc etc... But why?  Why is it more than ever that our looks are so important?  Once upon a time, not as far back as we think, the standards were far different and preoccupation with our own, and other's appearances were not so common.  Many of us can spout out a bunch of common sense answers like: photo-shop, increase in visual feedback, increase in chemical rewards for looking good supported by likes and follows, and the battle with obesity making us have shame (and all of the effects of shame) for not being an ideal weight. My point is there are so many factors working against us in this world. Everything in marketing is de

I screwed up.  It's always so heartbreaking and deflating when I fall into the same old trap.  I've grown in so many ways but in a few areas my self control seems to be worse than ever.  BUT I'm getting better at looking towards Jesus and seeing how he wants me to work with it.  I fight a battle with shame, self-torment and beating myself up about it but that fight doesn't nearly last as long. One thing I noticed is God keeps showing me an out.  When these situations arise and I'm left with my hands on my face and my heart on the ground he shows me what I need to do next time to avoid this pit.  He is trying to save me from myself. I struggle with parenting my daughter.  My daughter hasn't ever met her biological father due to the circumstances of her birth and a few other factors.  Even though I've been married since she was 2 I still feel like a single parent with her.  In certain areas it's warranted and other areas it isn't.  Due to

Yesterday I read an article that was quite shocking and really made me appreciate my kids being healthy more than ever.  The article was about a child passing away after being put to sleep in a car seat.  Apparently babies can die from lack of oxygen when sleeping in an upright angle.  Commonly I would allow my kids to sleep in swings, car seats, and even with something under their mattress to prop them up due to reflux issues.  I had no clue that was even a risk.  This just makes me appreciate my life and my children's lives so much more. We may not know until we are in the new heaven all of the answers as to why some are healed, saved, protected and why some are not but I do know that when our lives are all good we seem to not appreciate anything.  We all have troubles in our lives and it looks different for everyone.  All I know is my perspective is shifting and I'm choosing to recognize all the ways God has protected me.  He's protected me from myself at times,

There always seems to  be a period of time I go through when I want to go be a hermit.  Up until a few years ago this was only in the dead of winter.  However, as the years go by this desire to retreat and be isolated seems to be increasing.  There were times when I wondered if I was starting to become depressed but I really don't think I was.  I was just overwhelmed and burnt out.   Now that my family and I have been transplanted across the country I have no social life beyond my kids activities.  Which soccer alone is quite enough if I may say so.  I'm doing so much less, however, I still want to cuddle up at home with the family.  I am quite content with not doing too much outside of the house.  I'm just wondering why. As I let my mind wander about trying to understand the underlying motivations and reasons I think I grow a little bit clearer.  First, I can see how God is using this time for us to purposefully spend time together without distractions of a bu

I have been someone who anyone could see as independent from a very young age.  I am a self-proclaimed Jill of all trades.  I haven't came across a challenge that I couldn't conquer, at least to a passable standard.  I use to be so proud of that.  If I put my mind to it, I could do it.  Although to be honest I was unhappy because it made it difficult to figure out what I truly love and stick to it so I could master it.  Regardless, I didn't need anyone, so I thought.  I could do it all myself or I would kill myself trying.   Slowly over the time of our marriage we have settled into some gender roles.  For the first part of our marriage this causes some major issues.  He got offended if I did yard work and that made my feminist thermometer overheat!  He wouldn't help with the house or the kids and would tell me I needed to tell him when I needed help.  That pissed me off because I didn't think it was my job to tell him things needed to be done; see a nee

During my bible study this week I was asked a question: "Is your comfort your stumbling block in the way of your spiritual growth?" That's something I've been actually thinking about a lot since moving to LV.  Not exactly in those terms but I've been really analyzing what do I really, actually need.  Our perspective is so incredibly twisted it's not even funny.  I got a small dose of this when I was traveling to Africa and it wasn't too hard from me because I've been very poor at times in my life and know what it's like to go without.  However, what standard was I measuring against?  How much energy, time and resources do I use to make sure me and mine are at our comfortable levels opposed to having a mentality of "what do I really, actually need to survive so I can help others who cannot have what they NEED to survive?". I don't know if that hits you like it hits me but I'm just in awe of my eye sight being adjusted.  Ev

The areas I keep on failing in ironically seem to be the areas that I have the most fear.  The areas that I don't think God has a handle on or maybe that he doesn't care about. I screw up the most, in my opinion, when it comes to my kids.  I lose my temper, I react in a way that I sometimes don't even agree with and know is not positive or helpful, I lose hope, I am overcome with fear.  What about raising my kids makes me feel so alone, so hopeless, frustrated and out of control?  I used to think it was because of my interesting childhood (not the clever way I worded that) but honestly as I go further and further on my walk with God I think it's something much more than that.  I think God isn't there for me there.  Why though?  I am able to trust him with so many things so why not child raising? Honestly I think it has to do with will.  I was a willful child, okay I still am struggling with that.  No one could tell me anything.  I knew it all, I understood i

Kind of a funny title isn't it?  In all seriousness though I have been thinking a lot about the "call" of ministry.  I don't understand why people say or tell others they have a call to ministry.  I read the bible and reflect on the scripture and we are all called to spread the good news.  To me that means we are all called to ministry.  But what does that look like? For me I don't think it means me standing on a stage teaching.  For me it means I am a full time--as in all the time--ambassador for God.  I represent him where ever I go.  I need to spread love, hope and peace.  Please don't think this means bible thumping because that's so not me.  I'm not a used car sales man and I appreciate investing in and getting to know people because if we don't love them they don't care what we say. So, if I'm a rep for God at all times that means everywhere I go.  Right now I'm only working part time from home but I still venture o

Yesterday I was blow away by the thoughtful, kind, and transforming post written by a friend.  We are in a writers group together and he decided to start a #IwishUsawWhatIsee.  I was, and still am, blown away at his kind words.  It was easy for me to participate and write one for him and another group member.  However, this had lasting impact on me.  Last night and this morning it had me really, deeply thinking about how other people really do see you.   I think that we have levels of ability to see into a person.  This is my interpretation. Level 1: stranger.   Level 2: acquaintance.  Level 3: surface-level friend. Level 4: common friend. Level 5: close friend. Level 5.5: soul-peeker. Level 6: soul mate(s). Most of these are self-explanatory but some might not be.  Surface level friend I view as work friends that you typically don't see out of work and only share surface level or safe parts of your life.  Thing you don't mind people knowing witho

One of the things that was ingrained in me by my family was a good work ethic.  I come from a working class family and work ethic is a very important characteristic to have.  I'm grateful for that because it has made me not feel entitled and gives me the drive to do my best to work for what I want.  However, when we are kids we don't usually appreciate it.  It's funny how parenting can give you a new perspective on so many things in life. Out of my kids my youngest gives me the most amount of sass (although usually it's just being grumpy) if he's asked to do hard chores or ones that take more than a few minutes.  Some days I honestly don't know if I feel like dealing with his attitude so I contemplate (and sometimes do) doing it myself.  However, I know that I would be robbing him  of his character being developed.  Of teaching him that he is part of a team and he needs to be a giver, not just a taker.  There are so many lessons to be had with doing chores

I feel like the overall theme I'm being taught this summer and fall has been about the power of unity.  This isn't anything new to any of us.  We've heard it, we innately know it, yet we somehow let division happen.  We let our pride, anger, resentment, jealousy, you name it--get in the way of our unity with one another.  Is God represents Love and is Love then who are we listening to and obeying when we are acting in contrary to love?  When we choose to be offended are we caring more about our pride then we are about the unity of our relationship?  Who is speaking to us, influencing this offensiveness, anger, bitterness and resentment?   Just some stuff to meditate on.  It's not easy at all but the more we really digest who God is and what he represents we are better prepared to guard our hearts and minds.  We gain the clarity to see through all of our enemies divisive tactics.  We are better able to stand in the victory that was already won by Jesus.  We don&

For years I have heard about and have been encouraged to keep a prayer journal.  I assumed to know what that was and entailed but I've come to realize it can take many forms.  I kind of avoided it because I'm more of a task orientated person and I imagined journaling requiring me to spend long periods of time just sitting and waiting to see what the Lord tells me.  I also found that notion kind of intimidating.  I mean, if I don't hear from him what does that say about me?  Too much pressure for me!  Another way I envisioned journaling was completely writing down a history of each day.  Because how was I to leave out details?  That would be absurd.  It would also be quite the daunting task. Recently I felt like I was missing something.  I felt like the Lord was nudging me to investigate journaling further.  Then I read: “The Lord gave me this answer, ‘Write down clearly…what I reveal to you…’” Habakkuk 2:2 (can't recall the translation).   I decided a templ

Some of us for far too long walk around with guilt, shame, low self-esteem, and a bunch of negative past garbage.  Who does this help?  Do you perform better due to treating yourself in such a manner?  Do you think you are pleasing God by punishing yourself with negative self-image and perception about yourself?  Do you think your misery somehow is a payment to God for your sins? Jesus offered himself up to pay for your sins.  He already knew all of the bad things we all would do in our lifetimes.  He died for the very worst of us.  Meditate on that.  Charles Manson; yup, died for him.  Adolf Hitler--yes him too. If you keep on thinking you can repay your sins by mistreating yourself then you are not fully believing that Jesus died and is covering for your sins.  The more you mistreat yourself, the more you will withdraw from God and is the essence of sin---rejecting God by thinking we can be our own God's. God loves you so very much, just the way you are.  He knows ver

Without fail, when I voice my enthusiasm, joy and victory there comes an attack.  The attacks come in many forms but all with the same purpose; to distract me from all that God is doing in my life.  Over the years those attacks have morphed into much more subtle and sneaky ways.  I attribute that to the clarity we are blessed with the more we strengthen our faith through studying the word. I'm not even specifically referring to discernment, which I do believe is a gift that God gives up.  For me though, this is a gift he gave me at a young age.  Much before I was even saved.  However, I've had to learn to trust it and use it as I've aged. What I'm talking about is akin to  needing glasses.  It's as if the more I study God's word, over time my glasses prescription grows closer and closer to 20/20.  My perspective grows closer to his.  It's a slow process but measurable none the less. So when these attacks come the DD (defeated devil as I like to cal

I thought it was amusing for myself to look back and read this from this past spring.  Honestly, the journey here hasn't been my best experience but the Lord is doing some serious growth within me and my family through these struggles.  Trust him people!    My church (Freedom Life Church, Hampton) has an annual combined service and there is typically a different theme each year.  This past year it was "send me". I was honestly filled with a connection with this message, especially after going to Africa on a missions trip a few months prior. I was on fire to do whatever he wanted, wherever he wanted. So I thought. This year has been all over the place. Literally and figuratively. My husband finished working on an inspection team that took him all over the country approximately half of each month. I earned my license in professional counseling, and was able to go on an amazing missions trip to the Democratic Republic of the Congo teaching the locals how to use neu

Many of us have heard, or have come to the conclusion on our own, that social media is the highlight reel in the game of 21st century life. What does this mean and what are the consequences of being immersed in this social media culture? My drug, I mean social media outlet of choice, is usually facebook. This is where I have the most "friends" and I see the most activity among those friends. While scrolling through the feed my emotions, if I'm not careful, can fall prey to the subjection of posts. At times this can mean I can feel upset and isolated due to my, seemingly, different and more sensitive world views. Other times I can find myself envious for the happy and carefree life that my friends appear to live. I can let my emotions run unchecked if I'm not intentionally keeping these posts in perspective. Most people, myself included, don't post our troubles, dramas, hurts, disappointments, and regrets. Most of us post our highlight reel. The clip

Revelation 1:3 God blesses the one who reads the words of this prophecy to the church, and he blesses all who listen to its message and obey what it says, for the time is near. In a previous post I shared that I started attending BSF (Bible Study Fellowship) and we are studying the book of Revelation.  Well let me tell you, the ground has began to shift for me.  As I have mentioned this move has been very difficult on me as well as on the family.  However, all in all we have had peace in the middle of the chaos for the most part.  Here and there I would freak out a little, but it didn't last long.  I was definitely fighting the onset of depression.  However, kept on praying that God just make whatever path he shall have for me be obvious.  I sincerely was ready for whatever he was assigning me to next.  I wasn't sure if that meant a different job/career.  I had no clue.  What I did know was I was to wait...and wait I did. This past week while doing my daily bible study

Looking back at life and situations that arise, I think the most beautiful times were when I was fully in the moment just embracing whatever life had to give me.  Not upset over unmet expectations, not excited because I got what I wanted; just fully being content and free. It's funny, I would have these moments regularly when I was younger and not a Christian.  Hindsight can be a bit blurry and distorted but I do know that I had a lot of pain and mental anguish in between those times of bliss as well.  I would have thought, though, that after becoming a Christian those times of bliss would increase.  For me, initially, those times of blissful surrender to the present moment subsided drastically. The more I learn about God through the bible, teachings, and people the more those moments increase as I submit to Him being fully in control and present in my life.  The more I am in his word and studying it I see how his fingerprints are not only all over time (past, present, and fut

So many times that I'm feeling down and out about the way I look it's due to me comparing myself.  Most of the time it's unintentional but if I really start tracing my thoughts back I can see that even if I'm not directly comparing, I'm still comparing against what the world around me says is beautiful. I really think that God doesn't want us judging others or coveting to protect us and not to necessarily protect others.  Looking at the ten commandments I find it interesting how these laws are really designed to protect us from our own downfall.  Coveting (to want something very bad what you do not have) in my opinion seems to effect the person with those thoughts and desires more than it effects those the thoughts are directed at.  It's so easy to focus on ourselves and what we are lacking.  The world around us wants us to focus on that.  That's exactly what the field of marketing is designed to do; show us what we NEED in our lives. Focusing o

When the pressure is turned up on us we tend to let our ugly seep all out.  Before moving a wonderfully wise woman shared some bits of experience with me pertaining to military moves.  In a nutshell she told me that I will surprise myself by the ugly things that will bubble up inside of me.  However, she encouraged me in saying that sticking through it and seeking God during those times will benefit the whole family; that heat and discomfort brings about healing. Bring out the ugly it did.  This was by far the worst move to date.  As I've said previously, if things could go wrong, they did.  Pressure and heat was coming from all directions.  We were being tested, we were under fire, we were in the process of unveiling wounds. I learned a lot through this move, and I'm still learning.  One of the specific things I'm learning is how nagging, even if I keep it in my head and don't say it, effects me.  I have already learned how important it is to not communicate most

I have honestly started three different posts these past few days and made a list of other topics that came to mind.  All of these ideas just sitting and waiting on me.  I'm kind of in a weird place, again.  I'm learning time and time again, that when I get into one of these funks it's time to get into God's word and worship. I'm fighting off a lot of internal negativity, hopelessness and frustration.  My sense of direction and purpose are all blurry and confused.  My faith is being tested and I certainly feel the pressure of that. God called me to counseling almost 11 years ago but I'm wondering if he will have me now take a new path.  I have no clue.  Many people like to parrot that God doesn't change his mind but honestly where is that in the bible?  Perhaps our understanding of the circumstances is limited by our perspective.  Maybe we are called to different things at different seasons. Moses was called to many different roles that changed over tim

While growing up, I always had plenty to say.  Few and far between were the times when I didn't know what to say, or when I over thought what I said.  I had no problem speaking my mind, as ridiculous or wrong I may have been.  In fact, my mouth is usually where my problems started and ended for me.  As a grade school-er I recall getting in big trouble (aka Opa had to pick me up from school) because I cussed out the gym teacher for never picking me as a coach and only picking boys.  I always got notes sent home about excessive talking and got busted plenty of times staying up all night on the phone. Something happened to me.  It wasn't instant, in fact it crept up on me.  After I was saved in my early twenties I still spoke freely, without too much worry.  However, as I dug in an learned more and more about God, scripture, and grew in my faith, I somehow also grew in being self-conscious about every little thing that came out of my mouth.  I was constantly feeling embarrassed

As I sit in my prolonged idle time, I'm doing a lot of self-evaluation and reflection.  I am starting to realize that I've spent most of my life angry at the people in my life and not enjoying myself at all really.  Anger would masquerade as frustration, disappointment, annoyance, and most of these boiled down to hurt but what I really felt was anger.  I honestly didn't realize how angry I was as a person.  Looking back I could see I was bubbling over with anger and it did bubble over into every aspect of my life.  No matter the situation, I was unhappy. Sure there were moments of happiness but they were few and far between and had to have some special equations and factors for these situations to be allowed to thrive.  Other people might not notice this about me because remember the saying that most comedians are in the most amount of pain; well this is another case.  I would gain momentary relief and joy from making others happy and laugh when I knew I was unable to tr

For about a month or so I was really missing the bible studies I was in.  Studying by myself isn't enough for me personally.  I process better and just get more out of group interaction.  In Virginia I had women's group, Wednesday night classes, small groups with friends, meetings with different spiritual mamas, you name it.  I was spiritually spoiled, I knew it, and I was loving it! So, moving away...really away, was really hard for me.  I wanted an in depth bible study.  A few weeks after I was praying about finding a good bible study my previous neighbor from Virginia told me about BSF and found one locally here in Vegas for me. Some of you might be saying the same thing I did, "what in the world is BSF?".  It stands for Bible Study Fellowship.  I didn't look into it too much but reached out and signed up for the first week (last week).  Like most first time church visits, I was a bit nervous.  I wasn't sure what to wear, I wasn't sure how these

I'm not sure about you but for me there are definite seasons where I struggle internally more than other times.  I'm overcome by negative thoughts about myself, which in turn starts making me super annoyed and having a negative focus on those around me. It shouldn't be a shock.  More than ever we have a huge stream of negative information, images and opinions being force fed to us wherever we turn.  Honestly, I try to shield myself to it but there it is bombarding me.  News, social media, and then even if we are able to escape the infection from those negative outlets we communicate and come into contact with the majority of people who don't.  They are steeping in it and many not realizing it. Beyond all of that there seems to be times, and periods of time, when I feel like I can't fight off my negativity.  Sometimes I am loyally in the word and praying.  Other times I slip and just live without my focus being on God.  I can't quite pinpoint my vulnerabilit

Intimacy is an interesting subject but it can be so important in growing our maturity through balancing boundaries with people. Whether we recognize it or not, we all have certain levels of boundaries that we maintain with people.  One level for complete stranger, another for someone we find creepy on the subway, another for semi-friends, and so on.  We don't all have the same levels of boundaries at the respective levels, that's more of a personal thing. I started thinking more on this subject when I was thinking of ways to talk to my kids about ideal verses not ideal friends.  It's such a sensitive topic and understandably so.  This topic seemed more important to me now that we moved to Las Vegas and gangs are such a huge problem no matter how nice the area you live in.  And they are recruiting younger and younger... So, I start to bring up the subject with my kids.  The same little people I have taught to be nice no matter what, to extend themselves for those who

I saw a meme the other day that a friend of mine posted and I found it partially true but mostly it inspired a lot of thought in me.  The meme stated that (paraphrasing) "this world would be a better place if Christians would stop worshiping Jesus and be Jesus". I agree that we as flawed, sin natured humans mess up.  Christianity has a long history of getting it wrong and in huge ways.  Unfortunately the enemy uses this record against us, God does not.  Jesus speaks a lot against religious people and personally I believe that many of the historical scars are left by those with the same Pharisee type behavior and mentality. I do think this world would be a better place if we act like true ambassadors of Jesus.  If we strive each and every day to be the Jesus in this world.  Through his spirit and doing, not our own.  Leaning on him for direction and timing.  I remember reading a book written my Mother Theresa in my mid 20's and one thing really stuck out to me; she tr

For the first twenty something years I was not a Christian.  I found it difficult to understand why people would believe in a God.  I didn't think it made scientific sense.  One could not prove that this Jesus guy wasn't just a fictitious character meant to be used as control through government.  Don't get me wrong, here and there I tried to believe.  I would randomly visit a church and watch the room almost outside of my body.  I just didn't get it.  What was I missing? During this same period of time I had a lot of darkness surrounding me.  Dark thoughts, dark actions, dark beliefs.  There were interlacing of good through there but overall I would say I was enveloped in a storm cloud.  Yet, I didn't know it.  Nor did I know how to get out. Now almost 13 years from being transformed through God, I look around at all the people still buying into the lies of the enemy.  He is so crafty in the ways he twists things.  The way he loves for people to think that neit

Yesterday I was invited to a bible study.  Interestingly enough, the person who invited me doesn't live in Las Vegas but she is a part of an international bible study organization.  She looked up the time and place here in Las Vegas for me and encouraged me to check it out.  She had no clue that I was really craving a bible study here and was trying to figure out how to start one without knowing anyone. I was excited and nervous.  This was a large scale bible study and I wasn't sure how traditional it would be, what the women were like, if how I dressed would be a big deal or not.  All of those things we all consider before essentially going on a blind church date.  The organization is called BSF (bible study fellowship) and the more I learned about it yesterday I wished I had attended one sooner.  People who attend these study the same book of the bible for a school year all around the world.  The study is non denominational and was created to better equip it's attendan