Day 28 of Beauty
I have come to the realization that God has continually impressed on me the importance of community...and he is still doing so. From a clinical standpoint I understood it but also this past year I have really started to understand the importance of Christian community and support and the implications of drawing away from community.
At my lowest parts of my life I isolated myself. I felt unwanted, unloved, tainted, unusable, disfigured, unlikable...you name it. I didn't think anyone would benefit from me continuing to live. I was suicidal from aprox. 10 years old through 27. It might have been younger, I sure did have a screw life attitude, but my memory of suicidal ideation goes back to 10. The more I withdrew the worse it got. I wasn't able to see that though. My habits worsened; food (too much or too little), drugs, sex and sleep were my ways to numb out what I viewed as the horrible truth. The darkness grew more and more evil within my mind.
I only began to see the light and solace through people. Other people reaching out to me, comforting me, smiling at me, encouraging me. I began to get better. However, unfortunately I didn't understand it was because of the connections I was having in the community. I didn't realize the power and strength there was to be found in community.
This past year I have been learning so much about the power of light in darkness. The enemy wants us to think people will reject us, that we aren't good enough; whatever it takes to keep us away from each other and hopefully keeps us quarreling. What is kept in the darkness turns into his playground, he can continue to mess with us and convince us of our weakness. BUT, when we bring in into the light and are open about it with our brothers and sisters there is healing.
Last night I had an aha moment when I realized that our "relationship" with satan (I prefer to not give him a capital S) is like an abusive marriage. In that scenario, the abuser plays psychological games with the victim through confusion, bullying and dismission. The victim is caught up in believing they can't survive out of the marriage, they will do worse things to them if they leave, they don't believe they are strong enough to leave, make it on their own... It's all in their perspective that was crafted by the abuser. The more that the victim is able to be poured into by someone who points out their strengths and who they really are and what they are worth of, then they are getting strong enough to become healthy and recognize the abuse.
Same thing with satan, we let him get a foothold in our mind when we keep secrets and don't have community support to help discuss our troubles. Then we are able to realize that he's got nothing on us. It becomes almost a joke.
Keep your head up. You are worthy!
At my lowest parts of my life I isolated myself. I felt unwanted, unloved, tainted, unusable, disfigured, unlikable...you name it. I didn't think anyone would benefit from me continuing to live. I was suicidal from aprox. 10 years old through 27. It might have been younger, I sure did have a screw life attitude, but my memory of suicidal ideation goes back to 10. The more I withdrew the worse it got. I wasn't able to see that though. My habits worsened; food (too much or too little), drugs, sex and sleep were my ways to numb out what I viewed as the horrible truth. The darkness grew more and more evil within my mind.
I only began to see the light and solace through people. Other people reaching out to me, comforting me, smiling at me, encouraging me. I began to get better. However, unfortunately I didn't understand it was because of the connections I was having in the community. I didn't realize the power and strength there was to be found in community.
This past year I have been learning so much about the power of light in darkness. The enemy wants us to think people will reject us, that we aren't good enough; whatever it takes to keep us away from each other and hopefully keeps us quarreling. What is kept in the darkness turns into his playground, he can continue to mess with us and convince us of our weakness. BUT, when we bring in into the light and are open about it with our brothers and sisters there is healing.
Last night I had an aha moment when I realized that our "relationship" with satan (I prefer to not give him a capital S) is like an abusive marriage. In that scenario, the abuser plays psychological games with the victim through confusion, bullying and dismission. The victim is caught up in believing they can't survive out of the marriage, they will do worse things to them if they leave, they don't believe they are strong enough to leave, make it on their own... It's all in their perspective that was crafted by the abuser. The more that the victim is able to be poured into by someone who points out their strengths and who they really are and what they are worth of, then they are getting strong enough to become healthy and recognize the abuse.
Same thing with satan, we let him get a foothold in our mind when we keep secrets and don't have community support to help discuss our troubles. Then we are able to realize that he's got nothing on us. It becomes almost a joke.
Keep your head up. You are worthy!
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