365 Days of Beauty
Forward:
Standing here in my 35 year old body I am still not able to appreciate or even recognize anything attractive about myself. I have struggled with this my whole life. There are many different sources of this viewpoint but that honestly doesn't matter. What matters is I have a problem with how I view myself and not being comfortable in my own body. Due to this lack of confidence, comfort, and downright pain I am not able to fully stand in all that I am and meant to be. I am not able to be fully present with people. I am held back by my own view of myself. I miss out on so many joys in life. I unintentionally choose suffering over joy. Not that I haven't done so many things to try and heal myself of this. I just couldn't find anything to work.
Lets just go ahead and put it on the table; I'm a Licensed Professional Counselor. There I said it. Now as far as I'm concerned that really is just a role, a career, a passion I have for helping people. However, in the eyes of many they don't understand why I wouldn't get help and deal with my issue. Another topic to throw on the table; technically over the years I go in and out of fitting the criteria for Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD). I was originally diagnosed in the military around 20 years old. BDD to sum up is being obsessed with a perceived disfigurement or flaw to the point that everyday life is impacted.
I have tried therapy, self-help, prayer, Theophostic Prayer, neurofeedback, etc, etc. I am exhausted in trying to eradicate this from my life, mind and point of view. I wish I just didn't care about how I look but I just can't.
Purpose of this blog:
Interestingly enough to me God actually gave me the desire and mission to write a book. I felt like he was telling me to share my testimony. I honestly have many testimonies of what God has done in my life and how he saved my life, it was an intimidating task. I tried, and failed to get very far. I found the task incredibly daunting and seemingly impossible. I struggled with how to write a book that was true to me, true to my hurt, my joy and my story without hurting so many others by my words. I wanted to give God glory and I knew that the way to do that isn't to always be completely transparent with the whole world while having a catastrophically emotional impact on a handful.
A few years later, God gave me the idea to write a devotional and I thought that meant I would be adding in my story a little bit for each day. I was rolling this idea around in my head but didn't start putting into motion yet. Then, the day I decided it was time to start this (perhaps I felt God stirring me because it was time) God reviled to me the remainder of the plan. Might I add that I was in prayer earlier in the day and asked for him to reveal the topics for the devotionals to me. The focus would be on beauty. He gave me this word while in church and Pastor Freddy (Freedom Life Church, Hampton, VA) asked for us to be prayerfully considering what area of our life are we still living in bondage. He asked God to reveal this word to us and God quickly gave me the word beauty. Almost immediately I started getting so excited and planning out some of the things I would like to say and how it would be organized. On the way home The Lord revealed another layer. The element of expectation would be introduced. I would wait on The Lord each day and receive the content and revelation from him as to what the devotion would be for each day. How awesome is that?
I'm excited to see the response God gives to my high level of expectation of seeing his glory. I am also filled with such honor and excitement to be able to write this and hopefully help many other women be released from the bondage surrounding beauty.
Standing here in my 35 year old body I am still not able to appreciate or even recognize anything attractive about myself. I have struggled with this my whole life. There are many different sources of this viewpoint but that honestly doesn't matter. What matters is I have a problem with how I view myself and not being comfortable in my own body. Due to this lack of confidence, comfort, and downright pain I am not able to fully stand in all that I am and meant to be. I am not able to be fully present with people. I am held back by my own view of myself. I miss out on so many joys in life. I unintentionally choose suffering over joy. Not that I haven't done so many things to try and heal myself of this. I just couldn't find anything to work.
Lets just go ahead and put it on the table; I'm a Licensed Professional Counselor. There I said it. Now as far as I'm concerned that really is just a role, a career, a passion I have for helping people. However, in the eyes of many they don't understand why I wouldn't get help and deal with my issue. Another topic to throw on the table; technically over the years I go in and out of fitting the criteria for Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD). I was originally diagnosed in the military around 20 years old. BDD to sum up is being obsessed with a perceived disfigurement or flaw to the point that everyday life is impacted.
I have tried therapy, self-help, prayer, Theophostic Prayer, neurofeedback, etc, etc. I am exhausted in trying to eradicate this from my life, mind and point of view. I wish I just didn't care about how I look but I just can't.
Purpose of this blog:
Interestingly enough to me God actually gave me the desire and mission to write a book. I felt like he was telling me to share my testimony. I honestly have many testimonies of what God has done in my life and how he saved my life, it was an intimidating task. I tried, and failed to get very far. I found the task incredibly daunting and seemingly impossible. I struggled with how to write a book that was true to me, true to my hurt, my joy and my story without hurting so many others by my words. I wanted to give God glory and I knew that the way to do that isn't to always be completely transparent with the whole world while having a catastrophically emotional impact on a handful.
A few years later, God gave me the idea to write a devotional and I thought that meant I would be adding in my story a little bit for each day. I was rolling this idea around in my head but didn't start putting into motion yet. Then, the day I decided it was time to start this (perhaps I felt God stirring me because it was time) God reviled to me the remainder of the plan. Might I add that I was in prayer earlier in the day and asked for him to reveal the topics for the devotionals to me. The focus would be on beauty. He gave me this word while in church and Pastor Freddy (Freedom Life Church, Hampton, VA) asked for us to be prayerfully considering what area of our life are we still living in bondage. He asked God to reveal this word to us and God quickly gave me the word beauty. Almost immediately I started getting so excited and planning out some of the things I would like to say and how it would be organized. On the way home The Lord revealed another layer. The element of expectation would be introduced. I would wait on The Lord each day and receive the content and revelation from him as to what the devotion would be for each day. How awesome is that?
I'm excited to see the response God gives to my high level of expectation of seeing his glory. I am also filled with such honor and excitement to be able to write this and hopefully help many other women be released from the bondage surrounding beauty.
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