Failure

The areas I keep on failing in ironically seem to be the areas that I have the most fear.  The areas that I don't think God has a handle on or maybe that he doesn't care about.

I screw up the most, in my opinion, when it comes to my kids.  I lose my temper, I react in a way that I sometimes don't even agree with and know is not positive or helpful, I lose hope, I am overcome with fear.  What about raising my kids makes me feel so alone, so hopeless, frustrated and out of control?  I used to think it was because of my interesting childhood (not the clever way I worded that) but honestly as I go further and further on my walk with God I think it's something much more than that.  I think God isn't there for me there.  Why though?  I am able to trust him with so many things so why not child raising?

Honestly I think it has to do with will.  I was a willful child, okay I still am struggling with that.  No one could tell me anything.  I knew it all, I understood it all and the only way I could learn was falling flat on my face.  That is such a difficult personality to try and teach.  Yeah, now I have two of those little people running around with my attitude.  I don't ever feel like I get through to them.  They stare at me like I'm an idiot.  I can tell them all I've been through and all I've learned but it doesn't matter.  They are their mother's children, they need to learn on their own.

That scares the crap out of me.  I didn't choose God until my life was literally on the line.  I would systematically choose what I thought was good and evil but looking back I was fooling myself.  It's so easy to get ensnared by the devil and I don't want that for them.

But I need to hold on and remember the same mentality and heart I have with other people: just love them without an agenda.

It can be so much easier said than done but honestly that's my prayer that all in all I just love them.  I can try to guide them and influence them but in the end the way I love them and the example I set are going to be the most important.

~Just my 2 cents ;)