Seething
As I sit in my prolonged idle time, I'm doing a lot of self-evaluation and reflection. I am starting to realize that I've spent most of my life angry at the people in my life and not enjoying myself at all really. Anger would masquerade as frustration, disappointment, annoyance, and most of these boiled down to hurt but what I really felt was anger. I honestly didn't realize how angry I was as a person. Looking back I could see I was bubbling over with anger and it did bubble over into every aspect of my life. No matter the situation, I was unhappy.
Sure there were moments of happiness but they were few and far between and had to have some special equations and factors for these situations to be allowed to thrive. Other people might not notice this about me because remember the saying that most comedians are in the most amount of pain; well this is another case. I would gain momentary relief and joy from making others happy and laugh when I knew I was unable to truly laugh. I was laughing on the outside but inside I was seething negativity, anger, resentment, and fear.
The problem is, I still am. I'm learning everyday how to recognize my anger little by little. When we spend all our lives learning to wear a mask for everyone around, we ourselves have difficulty distinguishing between our mask and our true self. If you asked me a year or more ago about wearing masks, I would genuinely express and acknowledge that we all wear masks but I would not have recognized, nor admitted, the extreme depths my mask took me.
Through all of the pain and discomfort of this move, and boy I could fill up multiple posts on the things that have gone wrong or are still not going as we would like, God is teaching us so much. I loved Virginia, but I also recall not liking it all when we first moved there. It took me a long time to make friends and find things I liked. Similarly, I don't really like it here. Okay to be honest, I hate it here. But, I have also grown a lot in my relationship with God and I'm learning to trust him and this situation is helping me let more of myself die off and allow more of him to shine. It doesn't matter where I am, I know he has me and I have a bigger purpose beyond my comfort. AND he is teaching me so much through the discomfort with my family and though our discomfort is stemming from circumstances, as a family we are finding healing.
Sure there were moments of happiness but they were few and far between and had to have some special equations and factors for these situations to be allowed to thrive. Other people might not notice this about me because remember the saying that most comedians are in the most amount of pain; well this is another case. I would gain momentary relief and joy from making others happy and laugh when I knew I was unable to truly laugh. I was laughing on the outside but inside I was seething negativity, anger, resentment, and fear.
The problem is, I still am. I'm learning everyday how to recognize my anger little by little. When we spend all our lives learning to wear a mask for everyone around, we ourselves have difficulty distinguishing between our mask and our true self. If you asked me a year or more ago about wearing masks, I would genuinely express and acknowledge that we all wear masks but I would not have recognized, nor admitted, the extreme depths my mask took me.
Through all of the pain and discomfort of this move, and boy I could fill up multiple posts on the things that have gone wrong or are still not going as we would like, God is teaching us so much. I loved Virginia, but I also recall not liking it all when we first moved there. It took me a long time to make friends and find things I liked. Similarly, I don't really like it here. Okay to be honest, I hate it here. But, I have also grown a lot in my relationship with God and I'm learning to trust him and this situation is helping me let more of myself die off and allow more of him to shine. It doesn't matter where I am, I know he has me and I have a bigger purpose beyond my comfort. AND he is teaching me so much through the discomfort with my family and though our discomfort is stemming from circumstances, as a family we are finding healing.
Comments
my hubby has retired and for the first time in my life I am staying right where I am. It has changed my willingness to step outside my level of comfort. in all the other places I lived I would boldly share my life and how Jesus saved me from the streets of Pomona, Ca. Now here I find myself wanting to not shout out from the mountain tops I am no longer a abused, neglected, drug addicted , hooker. Jesus has made me new. I don't want to walk around in the scrutiny of others for the rest of my life. So there is a flip side to moving around alot... be you girl.. as loud as you can because you matter, and you matter hard!! I will pray for you in your pursuit of letting go.... look for the replacement.. God never asks us to give something away without already having something else to fill that void... anger is there now.. but what is god gonna give to you in exchange for it... it's gonna be good !!!